Smashing Pumpkins

Did you ever see David Letterman throw a watermelon or pumpkin off of a high-rise? It's actually pretty funny. For some reason, that image came to mind before I walked in to get my first-ever mammogram. I mean, really, who knew what to expect! After waiting what seemed like forever, they called me in and asked if I was wearing deoderant. Darn! I forgot that part. "Sorry." She handed me some alcohol wipes and sent me into the dressing room.

"Take off everything above your waist and prepare to be humiliated." -- Well, it sounded like that to me. So I go in there and watch the technician review my paperwork.

"Have you ever had a mammogram before?" she asks.

"Can't you tell from my "deer caught in the headlight" look on my face that the answer is "No". I respond in my head. I just shake my head instead.

"Any breast cancer in the family?"

Again...in my head: "Don't you think you would have seen these jugs in here before now if I did?" -- Errr, nope.

Me again: "Does it mention in there I have implants?"

Technician (for real:) "Ummm, no! That makes a huge difference. (Moan) Did they ask you that when scheduling an appt?"

"Yes." I wait 5 more minutes as she clicks the mouse 1,000 times just to to string out the discomfort, probably. I can see we are off to a good start.

Then the fun really begins. I GET to disrobe. Then she says:

"So slap that puppy up there...the right one." Clearly, I'm translating here, but this is how it's going down in my head.

The first 2 shots were no big deal...no squeezing, no discomfort. Shots #3-#6 were a little more exciting. The last 2 were downright over that line I thought I drew in the sand. She pulled and stretched and made me lean, step back, and asked me to throw my hips back. The she pushed that machine down and yelled: "Pizza, pizza!"

Listen lady. For one thing, I'm not that limber and did you notice how short I am? Don't you people provide step-stools or have some height adjustment lever? I've got a huge load in the back trunk here and thrusting my hips just isn't good for anyone! I'm already the Leaning Tower of Pisa, here. I know you are thinking (as I stand there naked from the waist up) -- why didn't you go for the package deal??? -- lipo and augmentation -- but get over yourself! Even with the doctor's help I'm not brimming over here, so let's get on with it, take the picture, and let me go about the business of being me, which, frankly, is hard enough.

All in all, I'm still in tact, despite the waiver. 6 pictures later I get to put the cover-up back on, collect my dignity (what's left), and find my bra, all in all, hoping I still need one now that's over!