What Itches?

Ok, so I have to warn you, I may be discussing some topics in this post that might make some uncomfortable. (To be fair, there aren't a lot of topics of this nature that make me uncomfortable, either that or they make me so uncomfortable, I feel the need to make fun, so be forewarned. I should have been a doctor cuz I'm okay talking about the body...unfortunately, not quite focused enough).

Now that the disclaimer is over, one of my favorite parts of getting older are all the physical ailments that come right alone with it. They keep me rolling. I get phone calls starting out like...

"Have you ever had a..." or "Do you think I should call the doctor if..." and so on.

This gets me rolling because we all have funky stuff going on with our body. Most of it is normal at one time or another. I mean who hasn't been constipated? Or had the trots? Or hates regular visits from Aunt Flow and a case of the crankies. I mean c'mon. Get real.

But an itch? Specifically (and here comes the uncomfortable part) -- anus itch? That one had me on the floor. Certain the diagnosis was pinworm, or maybe even a disease from some 3rd world country, I was informed we would be having to put tape over our behind! REALLY? I never knew that. But it sounded funny. Does scotch tape stick that well on human skin? I'm still laughing at that thought of it. Or telling my child...you have pinworm...he comes mom with her roll of Scotch tape! Or not.

I've had three kids. I'm guessing that itch is probably better known as hemorroids. I hear creams work better than tape. Mine started with birth child #1. And if you've been lucky enough to escape them, don't turn in to a long-distance runner, either, or they may find you on that route, also. Anyhoo -- the internet has ruined us. We can WebMD ourselves all day long and diagnose ourselves into life-threatening illnesses. Heaven knows I've searched for endless reasons for my weight gain: definitely thyroid problems. Nope. Okay, hormonal imbalance. Well, since I was born, probably. So no. Excessive intake of food? NO WAY! That was not listed on WebMD.

It's true, getting old is no picnic. Bumps appear, knees start to hurt, and is that my arthritis kicking up with the cold weather and rain? Do I have arthritis? I better stay home today, for sure. Plus, I can sit by the phone to ring and wait for yet another hilarious phone call about some ailment I've yet to hear about, experience or perhaps, help some lost soul identify.

They say laughter is the best medicine!